My Friend Leonard Page 23

  When the food comes, I can’t eat. Allison intimidates me, makes me nervous, takes away my appetite. I take a few bites of the burger, try to look away from her, try to focus on Conner, try to seem cool and secure and distant even though I don’t feel cool or secure, even though I don’t want to be distant. What I want is to be next to her, to hold her, to be inside of her, to devour her, to disappear within her, to become part of her somehow, to become part of her. Part of what I feel is purely physical, a desire an urge a desperate clawing need, part of what I feel is something else, something that makes me smile, feel empty and full, makes my heart hurt. We finish dinner. I pay the bill they both thank me, we stand walk out. We wait for our cars at the valet, Conner asks me what I’m doing for the rest of the night, I tell her I’m going home getting in bed reading a book. Allison asks me what I’m reading I tell her Paul Bowles she asks me which book I tell her The Sheltering Sky. She smiles says she loves Paul Bowles, loves that book. I tell her I’ll give her my report when I’m done she smiles says I’ll look forward to it.

  Our cars arrive. I ask them what they’re doing tomorrow, Conner says she’s not sure. I tell her to call me, that I might take my dogs for a walk in the Hills, that they can come if they want, she says cool. We get in our cars we leave.

  I drive home and every second of the drive is spent thinking about Allison about how she looked in the first instant I saw her, about how she laughed she has a quiet shy laugh, about her smile she smiles like she’s hiding something, about her leather pants her curves about painting I want to watch her paint about her reading I want to watch her read about the skinny girl that isn’t skinny anymore, about what she would look like next to me with me beneath me on top of me about how she scares me she fucking terrifies me.

  I get home the dogs are already asleep on top of my bed. I get into bed I stare at the ceiling I think about Allison. I close my eyes I think about Allison. I fall asleep thinking about Allison.

  I wake up thinking about her. I try to work I can’t work. I walk the dogs I want to go home I’m worried Conner might call I don’t want to miss it. I brew some coffee my hand quivers as I drink it. I try to read, the words make no sense. I smoke cigarettes and stare at the wall and think about her. I hope Conner calls I want to see Allison again.

  Conner calls we agree to go for a hike in the Hills. I ask the dogs if they want to go out, they jump up and down wag their tails run in circles. I ask them if they want to meet a girl Daddy likes they don’t care. I ask them if they want to go bye-bye in the car they start barking.

  We meet go for our hike. I let the dogs off their leashes they run away. It’s hot I take off my shirt. Allison asks about my tattoos. I tell her they’re like scars they remind me of things I’ve done, of how I want to live and how I don’t want to live. Allison says I have a lot of scars. She smiles and she reaches out and runs her finger along the top of my left arm, along a faded black outline, she doesn’t speak just runs her finger along my arm, along my arm, along my arm.

  We agree to meet for dinner. They’re going to come to my house I’ll drive us all to a nearby restaurant. They arrive we go to a local Italian place we eat, Conner and Allison drink wine I drink cola. We stay for three or four hours. I don’t want to leave Allison I want to sit with her for the rest of the night, tomorrow, all of next week, for the next month, year. The bill comes I pay we go back to my house I have a few bottles of wine in the house for people who want to drink. Conner and Allison open one of them. We sit in the backyard it’s a beautiful California night, warm still quiet clear. They drink, we smoke, talk about friends from school where they are what they’re doing how they’re doing, some are doing well some are disasters some have faded away. I ask Allison why we were never friends at school she laughs and says because you were psychotic and I was scared of you. I ask her if she’s still scared of me, she says you’re like your dogs, you appear kind and sweet and gentle, but I don’t think I’d like to make you angry. I ask her if that means she’s still scared of me she says she hasn’t decided yet. I tell her to let me know if there’s anything I can do to ease her fears, she smiles says okay.

  It gets late two or three. Conner wants to go home. She’s drunk I tell her she shouldn’t drive they should stay here they can have my room I’ll sleep on the couch. Conner wants to leave she walks out Allison follows her. I hear them arguing. I hear car doors open I hear them close. I hear Conner’s car start, pull away. I hear a knock I walk to the door open it.

  Allison is standing in front of me she speaks.

  There’s something you can do.

  What do you mean?

  To help ease my fear of you.

  What’s that?

  She smiles.

  Invite me in, I’ll show you.

  We have breakfast, lunch, dinner she stays the night again, we spend all of the next day together she stays the night again. She changes her flight so she can stay longer she picks up her bags from Conner we spend three more days together. We take the dogs for walks through the hills. We go to a gourmet grocery store Allison cooks a fancy dinner. We go to the movies sit in the back row hold hands share popcorn whisper to each other. We go see a band sit in the back row hold hands whisper to each other. We lie in bed for hours talking kissing exploring each other we lie in bed and stare at each other, her eyes are the same pale green as mine we lie in bed and we look into each other.

  I convince her to stay for three more days. We drive up the coast. We get a room in a beachfront hotel we have plans to walk on the sand, swim in the ocean, sit in the sun, eat every meal outside. We never leave the room. We spend three days kissing touching exploring discovering we spend three days talking whispering laughing. We spend three days falling in love and I fall truly, deeply and absolutely in love with her. I fall in love with everything about her. I love her mind body smile, I love her walk long and graceful her voice soft and reserved. I love how she smokes, eats, I love her accent certain words have a faint Southern twang. I love the books she reads Paul Bowles and Jack Kerouac, the painters she admires Matisse, van Gogh and Michelangelo. I love that she went abroad alone lived in Florence and went to school. I love that she loves my dogs, that she’s not scared of me anymore, that she makes fun of me and my past, says I’m nothing like what she expected, that I’m soft and sweet that I’m nothing like the monster she heard about. I love that I have never felt anything similar to what I feel when I’m inside of her, it’s calm strength peace fulfillment fearlessness abandon satisfaction it’s something I never knew with Lilly have never known with anyone. I love when I am near her I have to touch her, have to kiss her, have to have my arms around her, have her close to me next to me touching me. I love that when I am with her everything else disappears, I don’t think care wonder or worry about anything but her.

  We go back to Los Angeles. Allison says she needs to go home. I ask her to stay tell her I want her to stay please Allison stay with me. She has to go home. She doesn’t know when she’ll be back.

  I drive her to the airport.

  I walk her to the gate.

  I kiss her goodbye.

  I’m in love with her.

  Please, Allison.

  Stay.

  The phone rings I pick it up.

  Hello.

  My son, MY SON, MY SON!

  What’s up, Leonard?

  Where the fuck have you been?

  Around.

  Around my ass. I’ve left about ten messages.

  I haven’t checked ’em. Everything okay?

  Yeah, but you missed lunch.

  I didn’t know you were back, didn’t know we were having lunch.

  Because you didn’t check your fucking messages.

  I laugh.

  Sorry. How was it out East?

  No good.

  That sucks.

  I’ve decided I’m going to have the entire course fucking torched. Burned to the fucking ground.

  Really?

  No. Fuck no. But I didn’t get
on and I’m pissed.

  Sorry.

  What have you been doing?

  Met a girl.

  Who?

  Her name’s Allison.

  Nice name. How’d you meet her?

  I went to school with her, knew who she was there. She was out here visiting a friend of hers and we all had dinner.

  And?

  And we had dinner the next night, then she stayed with me for five days, then we went to Santa Barbara for three days, then she went home.

  My son, oh my son. This sounds serious.

  Maybe.

  Are you in love with her?

  Madly.

  Have you told her?

  No.

  Why didn’t you tell her?

  I don’t know.

  Why’d you let her go home?

  I don’t know.

  Are you ready for something like this?

  I feel like I am.

  You’re over Lilly enough to be with someone else?

  I feel like I am.

  I feel like I am isn’t good enough. If you’re going to tell this Allison that you love her, you need to be sure.

  Who said I’m going to tell her that I love her?

  Are you sure?

  Why do you need to know?

  I don’t need to know, you need to know. Are you ready to love someone, and are you sure about her?

  Yeah, I’m ready, and yeah, I’m sure.

  I assume you have Allison’s phone number.

  Yeah.

  We’re going to hang up. You’re going to call her. You’re going to tell her that you love her, that you want her to move to Los Angeles, that you can’t live without her. Then we’re having dinner.

  I laugh.

  What if she doesn’t love me, or she doesn’t want to move here.

  Then we will have a miserable dinner.

  I laugh again.

  We’re hanging up now, my Son.

  Okay.

  And you’re going to call her.

  Okay.

  And then you’re going to call me back and we’ll make dinner plans.

  Sounds good.

  I call Allison my hands are shaking I can see my heart beating I can hardly speak I call her she answers the phone. We talk for a few minutes. I wonder if she can tell I’m nervous scared I wonder if she can tell I’m shaking I hope not. I tell her that I love her. I tell her that I want her to move to Los Angeles. I tell her that I don’t want to live without her. I tell her that I love her, I love her, I love her.

  I fly to Virginia. I’m going to spend a week with Allison’s family, help her pack, drive across the country with her. She picks me up at the airport I see her grab her hold her kiss her tell her I’ve missed her I’m so happy to see her I love her.

  Her parents live in Virginia Beach. They live in a big, beautiful Southern house with white columns and a wide porch, on one side is a golf course on the other side is a quiet inlet of the Atlantic Ocean. They’re conservative Southerners, people who believe in God, family, tradition. I like them, they seem to like me. I don’t swear around them, never let them see my tattoos, avoid discussions about my past. I stay in a room on the side of the house opposite Allison’s room. Every chance I get I drag her into closets into bathrooms into the attic, we sneak out of our rooms at night meet in the kitchen in the living room outside in the grass. I play golf with her father, go shopping with her and her mother, we go to their country club for dinner, Allison and I ride bikes take walks along the beach. It’s a nice week, a mellow week, it feels like what our life could be like in a few years if we get married and live somewhere other than Los Angeles. It’s an image I like it feels happy, comfortable. It feels right as right as any life I’ve ever imagined.

  At the end of the week we pack the car, have a last breakfast with her parents, they cry and wave as we pull away. We’ve mapped out our trip in an atlas we’re going a zig-zaggy route that takes us through the Southern United States. We’re going to take our time at least a week, maybe two. Our first stop is Richmond. We stay with Allison’s brother, who is a lawyer for a large tobacco company. I met him in Paris several years ago we had drinks together a few times when I left Paris I ended up in rehab and jail when he left he went to law school. He’s tall, blond, handsome, he wears pressed pants, starched shirts, lives in a pristine apartment, I imagine that he keeps an accurate checkbook and pays his taxes on time. He takes us out for dinner says he’s tired of Richmond is tired of living in such a conservative environment is thinking of moving. I ask him where he wants to go he’s says he’s not sure maybe Los Angeles. I offer to throw his shit in Allison’s trailer he can come with us. He declines.

  From Richmond we go to Washington DC. We walk around Georgetown go to the National Gallery. Allison takes me to a bathing suit store she wants to buy me a leopard print Speedo, I ask her why she says because it’s funny. I try one on walk around the store ask the other customers what they think of it. Most ignore me, two gay men tell me I look great, an elderly woman tells me to get away from her before she calls the police. I wear the Speedo as we drive out of town.

  We decide to go to Memphis. Halfway there we stop at a cheap motel. We get a big room with a big bed it’s the first time we’ve been truly alone since my arrival we take advantage of it. We arrive in Memphis tour Graceland eat barbeque listen to the blues on Beale Street. I feel bad for Elvis dying on the toilet in his big, silly, lonely house. I eat barbeque until I can hardly walk. I dig the blues and at times have known the blues but not right now, not right now.

  We drive south through Tennessee and Mississippi. I walk into a backwater truckstop wearing the Speedo, truckers want to kick my ass, the clerk laughs and asks me if I am going to the beach. Further south to New Orleans we see my friend Miles Davis, not the trumpet player Miles Davis, my friend from rehab the Honorable Miles Davis, Federal Judge. Miles was my roommate at rehab. We spent a lot of sleepless nights talking, listening to music, he plays the clarinet he would play when he couldn’t sleep. He helped me deal with my legal problems, talked to people for me, made calls for me and helped me avoid a stretch in prison. Aside from Leonard he’s the only person I knew there who is still clean, the rest of our friends are either locked-up or dead. We stay in New Orleans for three days. I meet Miles’ wife she’s a Doctor we have a huge cajun dinner with her and Miles. We go to a bar in the French Quarter where the waitresses look like beautiful women but are all men. We drink strong coffee eat beignets watch ragged magicians perform and drunk guitarists play and fortune tellers speculate and lie. We listen to jazz at night in dark smoky bars where the best musicians in the world play out their lives in obscurity. We walk through the gardens of former plantations the owners are still white the help is still black doesn’t seem like much has changed. We eat Sno-Kones in the ghetto we wander through the zoo, what’s up orangutan, I like that crazy hair. I’m sad to leave, sad to say goodbye to Miles. I could live in New Orleans, I don’t mind the heat and noise and dirt, it’s a beautiful decrepit debauched disintegrating paradise.

  We drive north cross into Texas decide to try and make it across in one shot. Allison buys some books we turn off the radio she starts reading to me. Fourteen hours later we’re through two books both Paul Bowles a gallon of coffee three packs of cigarettes and I can’t see straight. Four more hours and we’re in Santa Fe we see Allison’s friends walk through the mountains spend a day at a spa get massages swim in a hot springs Allison gets treatments I have no idea what I just sit and read a book.

  We go to Vegas. We’re both tired we don’t leave the room.

  We drive from Vegas to Los Angeles. We pull up to the house. Cassius and Bella have been staying with a friend he dropped them at the house earlier in the day. As I walk to the door I can hear them barking I don’t know if they smell me or hear me but they know I’m home. I open the door they jump up and down run in circles, Cassius pees himself they give us kisses. I tell them Daddy’s home now he isn’t going away again. I tell them Da
ddy has Mommy with him she isn’t going away again. Allison smiles I look at her put my arms around her, kiss her neck, speak.

  I love you and I’m happy you’re here and I don’t want you going away again.

  Allison’s parents don’t want her living with me until we’re engaged we’re not ready to get engaged she moves in with Conner. Their apartment is at the bottom of the hill about five minutes from my house. Danny and I start trying to raise money for a movie. We call every wealthy person we know we tell them we have a great investment opportunity for them, some of them actually write us checks.

  Allison starts working as an assistant for a producer at a studio. The producer is the son of the head of the studio, and has never actually produced anything, but has a big office and a large expense account.

  I keep trying to write a book I spend most of my time smoking and drinking coffee and playing with the dogs and swearing.

  Allison and I walk into a coffee shop. We see an ex-girlfriend of mine sitting at a table, the ex-girlfriend sees us. We all went to school together, the ex-girlfriend and Allison know each other. I have not seen the ex for three years, we split on terrible terms. The last time we saw each other I was bleeding, beaten, in handcuffs, on my way to jail. I look at her she looks the same, arctic blue eyes long thick blond hair. I say hello she says hello, Allison says hello she says hello to Allison. I have wondered what happened to her, where she was, what it would be like to see her. I feel nothing. I could give two shits about her. Allison and I order our coffees and we sit outside and smoke and laugh and look at each other and when the ex leaves none of us bother to say goodbye.