My Friend Leonard Read online

  A yappy little beagle bites Cassius on the ass while I’m walking him and Bella down our street. The beagle snarls and barks jumps at Cassius, looks like he’s going to bite him again. Cassius tries to ignore the beagle but the beagle keeps coming until Cassius lunges at him, puts his entire head in his mouth, shakes him a couple of times and tosses him a few feet away. The beagle shakes it off, appears to be fine, and runs away.

  Allison and I are together every night. Most of the time we’re at my house, once in a while we’re at her apartment. She is the first person I have completely loved. I love her physically, emotionally, I love everything about her I love her more every day, more every day. Sometimes I wonder if this is it what my life would have been like if Lilly had lived. Sometimes I feel guilty because I’m happy. Sometimes I hate myself because when I’m with Allison, I stop thinking about Lilly, and I stop missing her.

  Leonard wants to meet Allison. I invite him over for dinner, tell him we’ll cook for him. He laughs, calls me a domesticated motherfucker, asks me what I know how to cook, I tell him absolutely nothing, Allison’s in charge. He laughs again says he’d love to come I ask him if tomorrow is cool he says yeah.

  Allison and I go to the fancy gourmet grocery store. She has a list she tells me what to get she checks to make sure I’ve picked up the right items she double checks as we wait in line.

  She starts preparing the food in the afternoon. She makes a salad, mashed potatoes, an apple pie. While she’s in the kitchen, I clean the house. I sweep the floors mop the floors, scrub every surface in the bathroom, wash the sheets wash the futon cover, pick up all the dogshit in the backyard and throw it in the woods. The smells coming from the kitchen make me hungry make me want to eat I take regular breaks to go into the kitchen and try to snack. Allison kicks me out I try again she kicks me out again. We take showers put on nice clothes survey the house to make sure everything is in order survey the kitchen to make sure everything is on schedule. Allison knows about Leonard knows what he does and who he is knows about my relationship with him knows how much he means to me. We both want tonight to go well she’s nervous. I know Leonard will like her, I know she’ll like him though she may be slightly intimidated by him. We hear a car pull up the dogs start barking car door opens knock knock knock. I open the door, Leonard is standing there with a huge bouquet of flowers, two bottles of wine one white one red. He speaks.

  My son.

  Come on in, Leonard.

  Leonard steps into the house. Allison is in my bedroom. Leonard looks around, speaks loudly so that Allison can hear him.

  I knew it, I knew it. This beautiful perfect woman was all a delusion, an invention, she doesn’t exist.

  I laugh.

  I was always suspicious. This Allison sounded too good to be true. No one can be everything you said she is, gorgeous, smart, well-read, knowledgeable in the history of art, and willing to tolerate you. It’s impossible, impossible.

  Allison walks out of the bedroom. Leonard sees her.

  Oh my.

  Allison smiles.

  Hi, Leonard. I’m Allison. I’ve heard a lot about you, it’s nice to meet you.

  Leonard drops to one knee.

  My Lady, you’re a vision. May I offer you flowers, and may I offer you wine, red if you please, white if you please.

  Allison laughs, takes the flowers and wine.

  Thank you.

  May I stand?

  She laughs again.

  Of course.

  Leonard stands, Allison walks into the kitchen puts the flowers in a vase. I follow her ask her what kind of wine she wants she says red I open the bottle ask Leonard if he wants a cola he says no, I stopped drinking cola, just water for me. I pour Allison a glass of wine, Leonard a glass of water, a glass of cola for me. Allison puts dinner in the oven, Leonard sits down on the couch. He looks at Allison, speaks.

  Pretty Lady. Come sit with me.

  Allison smiles, looks at me.

  Can you handle yourself in here?

  Yeah.

  Allison sits with Leonard. I set the table, warm up the potatoes, put dressing on the salad. I hear bits of their conversation I hear them talking about Allison’s hometown about women’s clothing, which Leonard seems to know about for some reason. I hear them talking about art about wine I hear them laughing I hear them talking about me I try not to listen. I finish in the kitchen put the salads on the table tell them dinner is ready.

  They walk over, Leonard pulls out Allison’s chair, we all sit down. Leonard raises a glass, speaks.

  To my son, and to the beautiful, charming, intelligent young woman he has somehow convinced to spend time with him.

  Allison and I laugh we all clink glasses we each take a sip. We eat the salad, eat dinner Allison makes beef tenderloin, eat dessert. Leonard asks Allison what I was like before rehab, she laughs and says she doesn’t really know because she tried to avoid me as much as possible. Allison asks Leonard what rehab was like, he laughs and says it was great and awful at the same time. She asks how it was great, he says as ridiculous as it may sound, it was fun being institutionalized with a bunch of crazy drug addicts and alcoholics, we laughed a lot and told each other all kinds of crazy stories and became great friends. She asks why it was awful he says because nobody ends up there because they’re healthy or sane or stable, nobody ends up there because they have a good life, and it’s pretty miserable dealing with all the shit we’ve done to ourselves and other people and it’s pretty miserable trying to figure out how not to do it again. She asks about our friends there Leonard tells her about Ed and Ted, Ed died in a fight and Ted is in prison for the rest of his life, about Matty the boxer shot dead outside a crackhouse, about Michael he blew his brains out with a shotgun, about John also now in prison for the rest of his life. Allison asks if Leonard knows Miles, Leonard says of course I do, he’s a fine, fine man, I wish I could be friends with him. Allison asks why he can’t, Leonard says our positions on opposite ends of the legal spectrum prevent any such friendship. Allison asks about his job, Leonard laughs, says if you’re asking, you know, and that’s all I’m going to tell you. As I am clearing the table, Allison gets up goes to the bathroom. Leonard stands, starts helping me, speaks.

  If she was my type I’d try to steal her from you.

  That’d be a problem.

  Thankfully she’s not my type.

  Do I have your approval?

  Buy the ring tomorrow.

  I guess that means yes.

  That means yes yes yes yes yes, you’re fucking crazy if you let her go.

  I don’t want to, but who knows.

  What would stop you?

  I don’t know.

  Lilly?

  No.

  Does she know about her?

  Sort of.

  What’s that mean?

  She knows of her, but she doesn’t know details.

  Why not?

  I don’t like talking about Lilly, and I don’t with anyone but you, and I don’t want Allison to feel like she has to live up to my memories of my dead girlfriend.

  That might be a burden.

  It would suck for her.

  Yes, it would.

  I love her and want her to feel comfortable.

  I think you’re being smart.

  Thank you.

  Allison returns, Leonard turns around.

  Ah, pretty lady, we were just talking about you.

  Allison smiles.

  What were you saying?

  James was telling me how much he loves you.

  She smiles again.

  I love him.

  And I was telling him that if you were my type, I would try to steal you from him.

  Oh yeah?

  Yeah.

  You’re charming, Leonard, but you wouldn’t get me.

  I’m handsome too. Don’t forget handsome.

  Allison laughs.

  Yeah, you’re handsome too, Leonard, but I love him.

  Leonard looks at me.
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  You’re lucky man, my son, lucky motherfucky.

  I laugh.

  A motherfucky?

  Leonard nods.

  Yeah.

  What’s a motherfucky?

  That’s you. You’re a lucky motherfucky.

  You ever use that one before?

  Nope, just invented it, just for you, lucky motherfucky.

  I laugh again, look at beautiful Allison, look at my friend Leonard, look at my doggies asleep on the floor, they’re all in my house in Laurel Canyon in the hills above Los Angeles. I just had a great meal. I’m in love. I know I’m going to wake up tomorrow. I’m a lucky man. A lucky man.

  Lucky motherfucky.

  Allison, Kevin and I are walking the dogs up the hill toward my house. It’s early Saturday morning, the sky is clear, the sun is shining. Allison has Bella I have Cassius Kevin is telling us about his job, he works for a former television star who now spends most of his life in the gym on the phone in front of the mirror. As we walk we hear a car coming up the hill behind us, we can hear it moving fast, we step toward the curb keep walking.

  A small blue convertible roars past us, slams on its brakes about fifty feet in front of us. We walk toward it we see a man a light-skinned black man sitting behind the wheel he’s staring at us. We keep walking when we’re about ten feet away the man pulls thirty feet in front of us, stops, keeps staring. When we get closer he does it again. Closer he does it again. Allison and Kevin are confused wonder why this is happening my instincts tell me that something unpleasant is about to happen. I pass Cassius’ leash to Kevin walk toward the car the man is staring at me I speak.

  Is there a problem?

  The man pulls the brake on his car, opens the door, steps out. He’s taller than me bigger than me he looks pissed. Allison and Kevin stop a few feet behind me. The man speaks.

  Yeah, there’s a problem.

  What?

  That your dog?

  He motions toward Cassius.

  Yeah.

  Your dog bit my dog. Hurt ’im real bad.

  What kind of dog do you have?

  Got a little beagle named Elron.

  I nod.

  Yeah, my dog bit your dog after your dog bit him.

  That’s not what happened.

  Yeah, it is.

  No, it’s not.

  I was standing there. Your dog came running up, started snarling and barking, bit my dog, then came after him again, and my dog bit him back.

  I got two hundred and fifty dollars in vet bills. What are you gonna do about it?

  Show me the bills and we can try to work something out.

  What’s that mean?

  It means I’ll give you my address and phone number, and you can show me the bills and we’ll work something out.

  The man stares at me, I stare back. I’m not scared of him, but have no interest in fighting him, or making anything out of this situation. We’re neighbors. His dog, a twenty pound beagle, bit my dog, a ninety-five pound pitbull. My dog bit his dog back, and I don’t doubt he hurt him, and the right thing to do is try to settle this amicably. The man turns around, opens his car door. He sits in the driver’s seat, takes a pen and a pad of paper out of a backpack sitting on the passenger’s seat, hands them to me. I write down my name, address, phone number, hand the pad back to him. He stares at me, speaks.

  I’m glad you did that.

  No problem.

  He puts the pad and pen back into the backpack, takes out a pistol, looks up at me.

  I said I’m glad you did that because I didn’t want to go shooting anybody and I didn’t want to go killing anybody.

  What?

  He shuts the door of his car.

  You heard me.

  I’m shocked. The gun is sitting on the seat, the man is staring at me, I speak.

  Just show me the bill and we’ll work something out.

  He stares at me for another moment, starts the car, quickly pulls away. I turn around, look at Allison and Kevin. Allison is pale, looks terrified.

  Kevin is staring up the street.

  You okay?

  Kevin shakes his head, speaks.

  What was that?

  The guy is obviously not right.

  That’s putting it mildly.

  I look at Allison.

  You okay?

  She shakes her head, I step forward, take her hand it’s shaking.

  He was going to shoot us.

  He wasn’t going to shoot us.

  I want to call the police.

  We don’t need to call the police.

  I want to go home and call the police.

  We’ll go home. We’re not calling the police.

  We start walking up the hill. I know where the man lives I’ve seen his car in the driveway. We’re going to have to walk past his house to get to my house, I’m hoping the car isn’t there. It isn’t we get to my house Allison has become increasingly more upset almost frantic. She speaks.

  Call the police.

  The police aren’t going to do anything, Allison.

  He threatened to kill us.

  And if they go see him he’ll deny it and nothing will happen.

  Please, just call them.

  It’s a waste of time.

  Kevin speaks.

  I think you should call them.

  I’ll make a call, but it’s not going to be to the police.

  Allison speaks.

  Who are you going to call?

  Leonard.

  What’s he going to do?

  I don’t know. We’ll see.

  I pick up the phone, dial, wait, Leonard answers the phone.

  Hello?

  Leonard.

  My son. Happy day to you.

  Not really.

  What’s wrong?

  Some motherfucker just threatened to shoot me, and maybe Allison, and maybe my friend Kevin.

  What?

  I tell Leonard what happened. Tell him about the car, the man, the gun, the threat. When I finish telling him, he laughs.

  This is not funny, Leonard.

  It’s sort of funny.

  Motherfucker had a gun. It wasn’t funny.

  Motherfucker might have had a gun, but he’s nothing to worry about.

  He’s not a tough guy.

  He looked tough enough to me.

  He might have looked tough, but he’s no tough guy.

  What’s the difference?

  A tough guy would have shot you, he wouldn’t have threatened to shoot you. And he also violated one of the primary rules of a tough guy.

  What’s that?

  Never show your gun, just empty it.

  That’s very comforting to know, Leonard.

  It should be. The guy’s probably not dangerous, just a bully.

  How do you suggest I deal with him?

  Your instincts were right. Pay the bill, settle the situation amicably, make it go away.

  And what if that doesn’t work?

  Leonard laughs.

  If there are any problems, call me.

  Thank you, Leonard.

  Tell Allison not worry.

  I will.

  I hang up the phone, turn to Allison and Kevin. Allison speaks.

  What’d he say?

  He told me to tell you not to worry.

  What’s he going to do?

  Nothing.

  What are you going to do?

  When the guy brings me the bill, I’ll work something out with him.

  You should just pay it.

  I probably will.

  He scares me, James. I still think we should call the police.

  Leonard is better than the police.

  You promise?

  We’re going to be fine. I promise.

  I don’t hear from the man. No bill, no phone call, nothing. I stop by his house a couple of times when I see the car in the driveway. I knock on the door no one answers.

  Leonard cancels three lunches in a row, switches our weekl
y lunch to every other week, starts arriving without Snapper.

  Danny and I raise enough money to shoot our movie. We hire a crew, a cast, start pre-production, start shooting. Neither of us has any idea what we’re doing, and because we don’t have much money in Hollywood terms, almost no one on our crew has any idea what they’re doing. Allison hates her job wants to quit. I tell her she should quit, tell her she should take her time figure something else out, tell her she doesn’t need to worry about money she can have mine. She says she doesn’t want or need me to support her that she’s fine on her own that she can pay her own bills. I tell her she can have whatever I have, take whatever she needs from me, that I don’t care about money as much as her happiness, that I don’t see it as support I see it as giving someone I love a chance to make a change in their life. She’s stubborn won’t take anything from me she wants to do it on her own.

  We keep shooting the movie the days are twenty hours long nothing goes right we fall behind schedule go over budget. Allison gets mad because we never see each other and when we do see each other I’m too tired to talk eat go out I’m too tired to do anything but sleep.

  I see footage from the film realize that the film isn’t very good realize that I’m no film director think that if I work harder I can somehow save my sinking ship I work harder harder harder every minute of every day is consumed with somehow saving what I’ve tried to create what Danny and I have spent other people’s money to realize.

  I spend less and less time with Allison she gets more and more angry.

  I don’t see Leonard at all.

  Work harder and harder.

  Sleep less and less.

  We finish shooting the movie thank fucking god it’s over.

  Allison’s parents come to Los Angeles they want to see where she’s living how she’s doing. We pick them up at the airport show them Allison’s apartment take them out for a fancy dinner. Next day we go to the beach show them Beverly Hills have them to my house I cook a chicken for them it’s not very good. They’re nice, polite people they play with Cassius and Bella, both of whom got baths prior to the parents’ arrival, they pretend the food I make is edible.

  Next day we drive to Newport Beach, an affluent community in Orange County. Close friends of Allison’s parents live on an Island near there, we spend the day with them. We walk through the little town on the Island, sit on the sand, swim in the ocean, go for a boat ride. I do not take off my shirt in their presence, do not want them to see my tattoos. I do not swear try not to smoke.