My Friend Leonard Read online

  Evening arrives we can either go back to Los Angeles or stay for dinner. Allison’s parents want to stay we decide to go to a restaurant in Laguna, which is where Leonard lives. I want to call him, see him, I ask Allison, she doesn’t think it would be appropriate, her parents want to spend time with her and me and their friends.

  We drive south drive into Laguna we drive past the bluff where I can see Leonard’s house we drive past a billboard for the Pageant of the Masters it’s a photo of a living Seurat I laugh at the idea of Leonard and Snapper sitting in the crowd oohing and aahing. We drive past a restaurant I’ve heard them mention I can imagine them sitting on the front deck. I scan the sidewalks hoping to see them, the sidewalks are crowded no luck for me.

  We pull up to the restaurant, valet my truck, wait for Allison’s parents and their friends. They arrive, we walk into the restaurant. It has a tropical theme, looks like what I imagine a restaurant in Thailand would look like, wicker chairs with dark comfortable cushions, overhead fans, palm trees and large exotic flowers, candles everywhere. We’re led to a table in a corner it’s a large table with room for a couple more chairs. Almost immediately after we sit, I hear Leonard. I don’t see him I hear him.

  MY SON, MY SON.

  I look around, don’t see him.

  I’M OVER HERE, GODDAMNIT. I’M OVER HERE, MY SON.

  I laugh, continue to look around.

  HERE HERE HERE HERE HERE.

  I look toward the voice, see Leonard and Snapper walking toward our table. They’re both wearing Hawaiian shirts, khaki shorts, docksiders. Snapper has a pair of black socks with his docksiders. They’re both smiling, Leonard is waving.

  My son, what are you doing here?

  I stand up. Allison is smiling, shaking her head she’s not angry just surprised, her parents and their friends look confused. I speak.

  What’s up, Leonard?

  What’s up? What’s up? What’s up is you’re right in front of me, in my town. What a surprise.

  I laugh, give him a hug, give Snapper a hug. Leonard looks at Allison, bows.

  Beautiful lady, it’s always a pleasure to see you.

  Allison laughs.

  You too, Leonard.

  Leonard looks at Allison’s parents and their friends, speaks.

  And who do we have here?

  Allison introduces everyone, Leonard bows to the women, shakes hands with the men, Snapper smiles and says hello. Leonard looks to the men, speaks.

  Do you mind if we sit with you for a few moments?

  Allison’s dad says sure, Leonard motions to a busboy, shouts.

  Garçon. Two more chairs. Immediately.

  The busboy pulls over two chairs, Leonard and Snapper sit down. Allison’s parents seem confused her mother looks at Leonard, speaks.

  Your name is Leonard?

  Yes, it is.

  She looks at Snapper.

  And your name is Snapper?

  Yes, Ma’am.

  What kind of name is that?

  It’s a nickname, Ma’am.

  How did you get it?

  I like to fish. I am an expert snapper fisherman. Thus the name.

  She nods, and looks at Leonard.

  And how do you know James?

  We met several years ago. We were both on vacation at a luxury resort. We had lunch together one day, and we’ve been great friends ever since.

  I try not to laugh, I look at Allison, she seems to be both amused and horrified. Her parents keep talking with Leonard we sit and listen to them.

  Her mother asks.

  Why do you call James your son?

  If I had a son I would like him to be like James. Because I don’t have a son, I have made James a son of sorts, and I like to call him my son.

  Why don’t you have children?

  I’ve never been married, and didn’t want to have a child out of wedlock.

  Why didn’t you get married?

  I would have liked to, and I would have liked to have children, it just didn’t work out for me, and I’m probably not suited for marriage.

  Thankfully I met James and have experienced a form of fatherhood that has made me very happy.

  Allison’s father asks.

  What do you do, Leonard?

  I am a semi-retired business executive.

  What type of business?

  I’m the West Coast Director for a large Italian finance firm.

  What type of finance?

  We have interests in entertainment, telecommunications, we work with some unions, do some short-term, high-interest loans.

  He looks at Snapper.

  What do you do, Snapper?

  I was a security guard, I became a collections officer, now I’m an executive assistant.

  What do you assist with?

  Whatever’s necessary.

  Her mother asks.

  Do you see James often?

  All the time, as much as possible.

  Do you know his parents?

  Wonderful people. Absolutely the best. I tried to get his father to work with me but he wouldn’t do it. They’re a class act, you’ll love them.

  Her father asks.

  Are you able to discuss any of the deals you’ve done?

  I could, of course, but our firm’s policy is to be as discreet as possible. We do not like attention.

  Allison’s parents’ friends seem confused and fascinated. Leonard tries to change the direction of the conversation, starts commenting on the women’s hair, clothing, jewelry, starts flooding them with compliments.

  He asks the friends if they’ve been to the restaurant before they say no, he smiles and says it’s great you’re going to love it. After a few minutes he looks at Snapper, nods, they both stand up. Leonard looks at me, speaks.

  A wonderful surprise, my son.

  I smile.

  Yeah it was.

  Lunch this week?

  Yeah.

  He turns to Allison.

  You break my heart every time I see you.

  She smiles.

  Good to see you too, Leonard.

  He turns to Allison’s parents.

  You are to be commended for having such a beautiful, intelligent, well-mannered daughter.

  They both smile. Allison’s mom speaks.

  Thank you.

  I hope to see you again, perhaps at a wedding.

  They both laugh. Allison speaks.

  Easy now, Leonard.

  He laughs, steps back.

  I hope you have a wonderful dinner.

  Snapper speaks.

  Nice to meet all of you.

  They turn and walk away. I watch them walk away everyone at our table turns and watches them walk away, and when they’re gone from view, Allison’s mom laughs and says I’m not sure how to top that, and we all laugh with her.

  We start looking at the menus. Before a waiter arrives, the manager comes to our table with a bottle of wine. He speaks.

  Your meal, with accompanying bottles of wine, has already been ordered for you.

  He opens the bottle, pours some in a glass for Allison’s dad, who sniffs it, tastes it, nods, says very good. The manager fills everyone’s glass but mine. When he’s done he looks at me, speaks.

  A cola will be here for you in a moment.

  I laugh, say thank you. The friend of Allison’s parents picks up the bottle of wine, looks at it, says wow, this is nice. As he hands the bottle to Allison’s father, food starts arriving. There are plates of skewers beef chicken and shrimp, oysters with spicy salsa, seaweed salad, spinach salad with yellowtail, seviche. We share everything pass the plates amongst each other. As soon as we finish more food arrives bigger portions on bigger plates shrimp tempura, lobster tempura, black cod with miso sauce, whole fried snapper which makes me laugh, salmon teriyaki, beef tenderloin with pepper sauce. Whenever a bottle of wine is empty another appears immediately, whenever my glass of cola is empty, I get a refill. A waiter stands next to our table to take care of whatever we w
ant, whatever we need. Allison’s parents and their friends are overwhelmed by all the food the wine the service. I’ve told Allison about meals like this with Leonard it’s her first experience she thinks it’s wonderful. When the entrees are gone and cleared we get dessert, chocolate cake, mango banana ginger and coconut ice cream, rice pudding and fresh fruit and strong coffee and subtle tea. After dessert Allison’s father asks for a bill. The waiter leaves to get the manager. The manager comes to our table, speaks.

  How was your meal?

  Around the table he hears great, wonderful, amazing. He speaks again.

  Is there anything else I can get for you?

  Allison’s father speaks.

  The bill please.

  That has been taken care of, sir.

  I would like to take care of it, please.

  I’m sorry, sir, but that’s not possible.

  I look at the manager, speak.

  Thank you.

  Certainly. Please let me know if you’d like anything else before you leave. The manager leaves, we stand up and leave. We say goodbye to the friends they get in their car and drive away, we get in my truck and drive away. Allison and her mother sit in the backseats, her father sits in the passenger seat. About halfway to Los Angeles, Allison and her mother are both asleep. Her father looks at me, speaks.

  James.

  Yeah.

  I need to speak to you about something.

  Okay.

  And I need you to be honest with me.

  Of course.

  Your friend Leonard.

  Yeah.

  You didn’t meet him at a luxury resort, did you?

  No.

  Did you meet him in jail or rehab?

  I met him in rehab.

  Why was he there?

  Cocaine.

  Does he still use it?

  No, he’s clean. Same as me.

  And does West Coast Director of a large Italian finance firm mean what I think it means?

  Probably.

  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

  It is what it is.

  And his executive assistant?

  A wonderful man but also probably what you think he is.

  The name Snapper doesn’t have anything to do with fish, does it?

  No, not a fishing reference.

  Is my daughter in any danger?

  Absolutely not.

  Are you sure of that?

  If anything, your daughter lives under a veil of protection. Leonard loves her, and would never allow anything to happen to her.

  Are you involved in what he does?

  No.

  Does he really know your parents?

  Yeah, they love him.

  Allison’s father looks out the window. It’s dark, the highway is empty. He takes a deep breath, speaks.

  It’s a strange world we live in.

  Yeah, it is.

  He stares out the window. I drive. He turns back to me.

  Will you please thank your friend Leonard for dinner, and tell him and his friend Snapper that we enjoyed meeting them.

  I smile.

  Yeah, I will.

  We finish our movie it’s not very good. We have a big premiere my parents come my brother comes Leonard comes there’s a big crowd. At the after party people shake my hand pat me on the back give me their business cards tell me the movie was amazing, incredible, great. I smile say thank you but I know it wasn’t very good. It hurts me to admit it, and it hurts me to accept it, my movie wasn’t very good.

  Allison hates her job more and more with every passing day and is more and more miserable with every passing day she comes home angry every night.

  Leonard goes back to the East Coast to try to play the golf course. He says this time he’s taking a briefcase full of cash with him. As I always do before his pilgrimage, I wish him luck, good luck Leonard good luck.

  The script I sold goes into production, an actor from a popular television show about a group of friends in New York is the star. He hires his best friend to rewrite my script I read the new version and I hate it. I call a lawyer and I ask him if there’s anything I can do about it, he reads my contract and says no and he tells me that when you take Hollywood’s money you have to be prepared to eat Hollywood’s shit. I don’t like eating shit but I know I’m going to have to this time, so I go to my kitchen and I get a napkin.

  I ’m asleep. I hear the phone ring I’m asleep I hear the phone ring. Allison is sleeping next to me it’s early Saturday morning we were out late last night. I hear her pick up the phone say hello. I open my eyes turn over. She has the phone to her ear I see her lose color I see fear register on her face I see her lips start to quiver she passes the phone to me her hand is shaking. I put my hand over it, speak.

  What’s wrong?

  She shakes her head.

  What’s wrong?

  She points to the phone.

  Take it.

  I put the phone to my ear, speak.

  Hello.

  You never paid my fucking bill.

  I’ve heard the voice it’s early I’m not awake yet.

  What?

  You never paid my fucking bill.

  I sit up. I know the voice it’s my neighbor with the beagle, the blue car, the gun.

  What are you talking about?

  You never paid my fucking bill.

  You never showed me the bill.

  You knew how much the bill was, you know where I live, you should’ve fucking paid it.

  I said if you showed it to me, we’d work something out. I’ll still do that.

  Too fucking late now.

  What’s that supposed to mean?

  It means my cousin in the 68th Street Crips is on his way to your house right now to kill your fucking dogs and kick your ass.

  What?

  You heard me.

  This is a huge fucking over-reaction.

  Not the way I see it.

  Just show me the bill and we’ll work something out.

  Too late for that.

  He hangs up. I hang up. I look at Allison, who still looks terrified.

  What’d he say to you?

  He said put your boyfriend on the phone, bitch.

  She takes a deep breath.

  And I said what and he yelled put your fucking boyfriend on the phone you dumb fucking bitch.

  You okay?

  She shakes her head.

  No.

  Take a deep breath, calm down, everything is going to be fine.

  What’d he say to you?

  Doesn’t matter.

  I start dialing the phone.

  Are you calling the police?

  No.

  Call the police.

  No.

  Phone starts ringing. Allison looks panicked.

  Call the police, please.

  Ringing. I take her hand.

  No.

  Ringing. She starts crying.

  Please.

  Leonard picks up.

  Who dares to call me at this hour?

  It’s me. Did I wake you?

  I’ve been riding my exercise bike for the last hour. What’s going on?

  I’ve got a problem, Leonard.

  What’s wrong?

  I tell him about my conversation with my neighbor. When I’m finished he laughs. I speak.

  This is not fucking funny, Leonard.

  The guy’s full of shit, my son. It’s laughable how full of shit he is.

  Sure didn’t sound like he was full of shit.

  He’s definitely full of shit.

  And how do you know that?

  I’ve never heard of the 68th Street Crips. Now that doesn’t mean they don’t exist, but if they do, I can promise you that not one of them is going to risk serious fucking prison time to come up to nice, safe, leafy, lily-white, full of movie stars Laurel Canyon to break into your house, shoot your dogs, beat your ass and somehow have to deal with your girlfriend. Gangbangers are crazy and dangerous, but they’r
e not fucking stupid. Your obvious move here would be to call the police, who would roar up there and be sitting in your living room waiting for said supposed dog assassin to show up, at which point he would be arrested. A gang member would know that, and no gangster would be willing to risk it.

  So what do I do?

  Well, this guy is obviously fucked-up. And he may very well try to hurt you or the dogs, and if Allison is around, he may try to hurt her. That’s not acceptable to me. I want you and Allison and the dogs to get in that shit-box truck of yours and drive down to the Four Seasons. I think Four Seasons are dog-friendly, and if they’re not, they will be for you. By the time you get there, I will have called and gotten you a room. I’ll try to get a big room if possible. Stay there until Monday. Do not leave. Eat your meals there, and if you need anything, clothes or books or whatever, have the concierge get it for you and charge it to the room. Have a nice time. Think of this as a little vacation. Take baths and swim in the pool and get massages and eat room service. Don’t think about your asshole neighbor. When you get home on Monday, I will have taken care of your problem with him.

  Thank you, Leonard.

  I need you to do something for me.

  Okay.

  Get his address.

  Okay.

  And call me when you get to the hotel, so I know you’re safe.

  Okay.

  I hang up the phone. Allison has been watching me listening to me she’s still terrified I turn to her speak.

  We’re leaving.

  Where we going?

  Four Seasons.

  The hotel?

  Yeah.

  Why are we going there?

  We’re going to spend the weekend there.

  Why?

  Leonard says it will be safe for us there.

  And what do we do when we leave?

  The problem will be taken care of.

  What’s that mean?

  I didn’t ask, and I’m not going to ask.

  This is fucking crazy, James.

  Do you want to stay here, see what happens?

  No.

  Then let’s go.

  We get up we move quickly we brush our teeth get dressed. Allison keeps some clothes at my house she packs them into a small bag with a toothbrush, some toothpaste. I get the dogs on their leashes we get in the truck drive down the hill. The blue car is in the driveway of the house Allison won’t look at it I get the address. We drive to the Four Seasons, pull into the drive. The valet comes to my truck. He smiles at me like most valets smile at me and my truck, I’m not sure if they think the truck is cool or feel sorry for me for driving it. I don’t really care either way.